Unapologetic

The words "I was unapologetic" stood out today while reading a blog friend's post. I thought, wow, all of what this person says I can relate to in a lot of ways. However, that line....that phrase...."I was unapologetic", sums up everything about where I am right now in my life. A place it took me until now to realize I have always been.

I will be 42 years old this summer. I have been around too many blocks to count. I have been so many things in my life. I am a parent, a wife, a sadist, an accountant, a recovering addict, a poster child for psychological misfits, a girl, a boy, and everything in between. As life has strung me along, I have had to find ways to compensate for my shortcomings, for my not fitting in, for my poor choices, and for my sanity.

My way of thinking has evolved just as many times as my transitioning self. I have been rebellious, carefree, unconcerned, sexually out of control. I have been caring, mothering, passive, obsessive. I have been relentless, powerful, demanding and controlling. I have been all that and much more. However, the only thing that has always stood true is my ability to be unapologetic through it all. I have always been OK with who I was and what I was doing. Even through the aftermath of some very poor life choices, I have always known that the true me, deep inside, is real, honest, and sacrificing. Those that have been fortunate enough to see who I am have walked away feeling rewarded.

Today I am comfortable. And while I still battle with gender identity issues, at least they make sense to me. In retrospect I think they have always made sense to me, just not to everyone else. And while I don't really care if the world embraces me or not, I needed to find a way to fully be who I am and still mingle with the masses. I have a way to go with this, but I no longer silently apologize for who and what I am. I am starting to see that putting aside those fears and uncertainties allows a lot more room to let people in. The more people I let in, the more confident I can feel. The more confident I feel, the more people I attract.

Self awareness and acceptance has been a long time coming for me. And I have a long way to go. However staying true to myself and learning how to love that self has solidified the importance for being unapologetic. I owe no one safety from their own fears. It is not my job to make sure I don't make others uncomfortable by being who I am. I am only responsible for myself, my own emotions and my own character.