I had a epiphany last night. Well actually I drew mine from someone else. An obvious gender bending young woman had a moment to tell a group of people in a communal living arrangement a little about herself. Her body language showed her discomfort in talking about herself, although her clothing and brassy personality were deceptively trying to show confidence. She was a lesbian.
She was speaking of how when she was young she wanted to be a boy. I think a lot of us can relate to wanting to be a boy. For me, I thought perhaps I just didn't fit completely as a girl. I still think that. For her, she rationalized that wanting to be a boy was a result of wanting to be with girls. It was a simple concept, yet one I had not entertained in my 40 plus years on this earth. It makes perfect sense that even though we don't have sexual awareness at a young age, we do have an understanding of relationships. We know from early on that boys like girls and vice versa. Young gay children have no idea yet that their attraction to the same sex is sexual in nature. So if someone was to find themselves drawn to the same sex, they must be the opposite sex of what they are.
In hindsight, it is very obvious that I was always a lesbian. It just didn't play out sexually until I was of an appropriate sexual age. I can remember being drawn to certain women and older girls. I worshiped them. I would do anything to be in their company. I had shrines of things certain women touched. I stole clothes they wore and slept with them. I was easily obsessed. I had no idea why. This was very lonely and tormenting for me. If only I was a boy, it would have made sense.
As I thought more about this girl's epiphany, I started to question my gender identity and my sexual orientation. Not question what it is, but how it got that way. Was I so tormented by the lack of understanding of my sexual orientation that questioning my gender has remained even after my orientation awareness? Or is it that I am truly gender neutral or both genders? I have to wonder.
I believe we are born with certain predispositions sexually. I also believe that we are all born with characteristics of both genders. However I fully believe that environment solidifies what we become. Abuse, misconceptions and a lack of sexual awareness have all played a part in my gender identity issues. Did I truly not fit my gender when I was young or was I looking for a way to explain my abnormal attraction to women? Was my constant questioning the environment that created the identity turmoil I live with today?
i like your new format, it's easier to read. i have to think through what i have to say about the post...'cause i've gone through the same thing and have been trying to pull it apart, then put it back together. i'll try to say something later this eve...thanks!
ReplyDeletei keep re reading this post because, yes, it's relevant. in a lot of ways, i'd just be repeating what you've said with the exception who and what i'm attracted to. i knew exactly what and who i was when i was 6-7 years old and realized fairly early on that it really wasn't cool. so i spent a huge chunk of my life trying to make it go away through addiction, depression and denial. i eventually found my way back to when i was 7 years old...when i knew who i was and was scared shitless that i was a monster and unlovable. i decided that everything i was told was wrong and that i would never change, so i better learn how to live with myself.
ReplyDeleteby the way, the thing i realized about myself was that i was attracted to dominant personalities, with no gender specification. i guess i'm lesbian identified because of who i actually fell in love with. i've always felt and saw myself as who i am... and even when i hid desperately in a male persona, i thought everyone could see into me, see who and what i was and knew i would never be normal and fit in. getting sober only took away my shield, my way out...that led to years of depression. it wasn't until a friend asked if i ever experienced SM-my response was, "you mean with another person?". she brought me into the scene, which led to me readdressing the gender stuff(i wanted to make sure i wasn't confusing submission with being female-i know, that was my stereotypical thinking). i also met my spouse through SM. if it wasn't for her, i might have given up, years ago. we've been together now 16 years. interestingly, that makes us an anomaly to rest of the leather community. we've actually been asked to do workshops on relationships-makes me think of a Simpson's episode where Homer did a class on relationships at the adult education/night school. ok, so i don't have anything new or cool to say...i just wanted to say that i do relate and that your posts do mean something to someone else...and that i appreciate what you have to say.
love(yeah, i say that a lot)
chelsea