Expectations

Over the past few months a couple of people have said things that make me think I am way harder on myself than I need to be.

The most recent comment was, "I'm sorry that we never had the opportunity to play, but I would never have been able to live up to your expectations anyway."

Normally I would have spun this until I 'heard' this as a negative comment. Typically my thought process would have been, I must be a royal bitch and completely unable to be satisfied. But this time was different. This time I heard something completely different. I heard, "I am impressed by you, and hold you high in respect and admiration". This is truly what this person meant, and for once I got it.

Even though I 'got it', I still find it a little strange. Strange that someone would hold me in such regard. I shouldn't, I know this. When I am in a group of like minded kinky individuals, I do attract attention. I am sought out. I have a very high profile peer group. However I feel as though I remain just off to the left a bit. I tend to question people's sincerity and motives. I have a difficult time believing that people want to be in my space just because they want to. I have a hard time swallowing that I truly have something to offer people.

This is a distressing realization. I am sure I have missed opportunities, lost potential partners and passed on things that could have benefited me, all out of insecurity and lack of self worth. I want to blame someone for this, but truly I cannot. I want to feel angry, and actually as I type this I am a little angry. Angry at myself as I reflect on my past and all the times I simply didn't believe what people were trying to say. That I had worth, things to offer, impeccable skills, an energy that draws others in.

I suppose the past is just that and missed opportunities cant be recovered. But everyday is a new day and filled with possibilities and potential.

I am going to take what was said to me and keep it tucked in my pocket for those moments when I wonder if I am invisible.