Lights on?

Sex for me accomplishes many tasks. From the most obvious to the not so obvious. It is about buildup, passion, release, and fulfillment. Its about trust, going places you normally cant or wont, and leaving places you don't wish to be in. Its about sending your senses reeling. I think most can agree that our senses are heightened while engaged in sexual activity. But are heightened senses always a benefit?

We all can recall a time, past or present that makes our tummy, and other things, tingle. Remember the first touch of someone you craved? Those are the tingles I am speaking of. I am fortunate. I adore my wife and have a very satisfying sex life even after almost 14 years together. I am able to recall even the most recent of encounters and get the butterflies in my stomach. Its nice. It tells me that I truly wanted to be in that moment, not just used it for satisfaction or obligation.

But what makes those butterflies? Where are we drawing those feelings from? Obviously our senses. When we relive those moments we are reliving the feeling of a heightened sense. A sense that triggers a stimulation, not unfamiliar, but totally involuntary. What senses are capable of those triggers is probably as vastly different as the sex and fantasies we get them from.

I am a lights off kind of person. Not because I don't want to see, because I really do. I love to look at her movements, her facial expressions, and me entering her. All things that will cause the tingle during recollection. However my own body image issues keep me from wanting her to see me. Even when I know she loves what I look like. I feel vulnerable and way too out there. I have not found a way to find my true spaces and be visible at the same time. It feels like performance anxiety or stage fright when I know I am being watched. And not being able to perform like I do would be a big dissatisfaction to both of us.

In the dark, I am able to be whatever I want, and need to be. I don't have to worry that my body doesn't match who I am. I don't have to worry about having large breasts and being called Daddy. I don't have to think that it truly is strapped on and not a part of me. All things that divert my attention from what I am doing.

However, in the dark I can drink in the touch, feel, sounds and delicious smells. These, many times, are the things I draw on when I am looking for that residual feel good the next day. The whimpers, the words, the obvious excitement, the climaxes. The smell of sweat, natural lubrication, my magnum and the hint of leather, all arousing and able to carry me back.

Our senses tell us all something different. While I prefer the dark, my wife prefers to see. My insecurities most likely prevent her from experiencing the triggers and enjoying the butterflies days later. I cant imagine being slighted and denied those experiences. I truly enjoy them. I think its time to take another step out of the comfort zone and allow her what she has afforded me.

Today I will be shopping for a very small very weak candle.