I watched a movie yesterday that was long, boring and not worthy of mentioning. However I can find writing inspiration anywhere, and this was no exception.
We all continue to grow throughout our lives. Personal growth is never ending. We are constantly evaluating and shifting ourselves to better suit who we are, what we want to be, and who we end up with. Sometimes the transitions we go through are small, sometimes they are huge. Sometimes they are even physical in nature.
I got to wondering about how transitions effect relationships. I, for one, am very lucky to have a partner that has grown and embraced my diversities as I have found and made peace with them. My transitions have mostly all been awareness in nature, and no physical changes other than clothing, hair styles etc have taken place for me to feel complete. The physical changes that I do plan are really more alterations and not exactly changes. Those I cannot see having any negative effects on the relationship. If anything it will make me more comfortable and that can only make things more positive in my relationships.
However I have concluded that this is not always the case. I am sure there are people out there going through transitions that have a devastating effect on their personal relationships. If someone loves you for who you are, and you become different, albeit physically or mentally, is it fair to assume your partner is going to love you the same way? I know it sounds shallow to think naught, but I am a realist. I cant imagine the amount of strength it takes to support someone while they change into something completely different from what you have come to know and love. And maybe I am not speaking only of the physical changes one might be going through, but also the amount of time, money, and mental exhaustion making life altering changes takes. I cant help think that a partner's role in those changes would be equally exhausting and maybe not what they signed up for.
In the case of transgendered people, I would think the transition period must be very intense for a partner. Even if a partner has known about and supported the changes from the beginning of the relationship, I can only imagine the changes they go through are equally mentally taxing. Not only will their partner physically be different in gender characteristics, but the transition also changes both parties sexual orientation. And while I am sure there are many success stories, I cant help but think there are a lot of disaster stories. And while the transitioned person will ultimately come out on the other side with a new sense of self and feel good, a loss of partnership doesn't come without pain.
Personal growth and transition can be defined as anything. It can be sexual orientation, battling addiction, shifting genders, changing career paths, becoming a parent etc. All of these, and more, are huge changes in someone's life. And all of these can effect an already established relationship. And if that relationship gets put on hold during the transition, is it possible to get it back? Is it possible to find common ground again? After all, its the people we fall in love with ultimately, not their gender, job, or status.
I would be very interested to hear people's struggles, successes and failures on this topic.
I have been through a gender transition. Actually it was many transitions within "the" transition. When a person transitions, everyone else they know transitions with them. Some of the transitions were very successful such as my workplace transition where I had much support and acceptance from management as well as from coworkers. Some were not as successful The biggest loss was my relationship with my spouse. She was not able to handle the physical changes, the changes I went through mentally, and her biggest fear was what people would "think" of her. She told me she wasn't a lesbian and she wanted to be married to a man, not a woman. I believed our marriage was based on true love, that she loved the person I was on the inside. I found out appearances rated pretty highly to her. I found out I was wrong.
ReplyDeleteFour years ago I transitioned to living my life, full time as Nikki and the day I did that was the day I had to move out of my home, effectively ending my marriage. I believe it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but if I was going to live, it was the only thing possible for me. The happiness I feel, living true to myself and the feeling that everything is finally right in my life, does out weigh the loss of my marriage. I could never go back to my old life now.
I guess one thing that has turned out ok, is that I have managed to remain friends with my ex wife and we talk and occasionaly get together.
~Nikki
Nikki I would think the anxiety and anticipation of possibly losing what you hold so dear keeps many people from living their lives honestly. I applaud your bravery for doing what you knew was right for you. I think it is important to remember that we cant expect everyone in our lives to be able to go through the changes we need them to at the pace we set, or even at all. Its not about them. I am glad you found the strength to be who you needed to be.
ReplyDelete~EB