Tegretol

Today I was recalling the trials and tribulations of dealing with my mental disorders, specifically the medications I used to take. Although I am still certifiable, I no longer take any psychological medications. The reasons I stopped medicating my head were numerous. The weight gain, the dream like state, the amount of medications I had to take to combat the side effects of ones I was already on, the cost, the stigma, and the aggravation. I am a very intelligent person and capable of rationalizing what is occurring in my head, even when it makes no sense or speaks to me in strange native tongues. I keep reality close at hand and although sometimes it feels like work, I am perfectly capable of living without medications.

During my stroll down medication lane, I tried to recall all the different medications I have taken over the years for every different crazy label they had me wearing. Most were ineffective in what they were supposed to do, which is probably why I had so many diagnoses over the years. Most of my issues were not things that medication could change.

I took the drug Tegratol for a while in combination with other anti psychotic drugs. I distinctly remember this drug because it had a very altering effect on how I perceived myself. During this time, I was more in touch with my feminine side than I had been all my life. I didn't pay much attention to it, I just noticed it. I question any time when I swing to the gender extreme for any extended period of time. I cant say as though I recall the changes when I switched off Tegretol, and honestly it never really mattered then.

Many years later, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Many things about this diagnosis brought sense to who I am. The gender identity issues, the abandonment issues, the lack of gray areas in my relationships, the disassociating etc, all made sense.

I was asked to write a book on BPD and gender identity. In researching medical references regarding the topic, I became aware of the use of Tegretol for people with BPD. It seems the use of Tegretol has been documented to relieve its sufferers from gender identity disorder. It seems that upwards of 50% of people with BPD that were seeking sex reassignment as an option, decided against it after taking Tegratol.

So this brings a million possibilities and questions to the surface. Since a large majority of those that suffer from borderline personality disorder have gender identity issues, is it the disorder that makes one question their identity, or the other way around. If indeed its the disorder, what is the BPD and ultimately the Tegretol changing that would alter someone's gender perception? Or is the medication simply finding its way to a part of the brain that is blocking the true awareness? Should this medication be given to people questioning their gender just to 'make sure' sex reassignment is the right answer for them? What happens if someone has sex reassignment surgery then ends up taking this anticonvulsant that could potentially be prescribed for a multitude of conditions? Would they suddenly be faced with the dread of making a wrong decision?

I believe Tegretol does reduce gender identity issues. But only by reducing a person's awareness levels. I don't believe that I was who I 'was supposed to be' while I was taking it. I don't recall missing the other sides of me, but in retrospect, I think I feel a tad slighted.