Impressions

Some days I sit and wonder what people think of me. Not whether or not they like me, but what impression do they get? The people I work with have no idea (as far as my sharing any information) that I am gender fluid, that I am kinky, that I am perverted as all get out. Most people don't even know I'm a lesbian.

There are a few people here that are comfortable with my sexual orientation and have become more friends than acquaintances. Then you have the straight woman that equates her worth with how many people she can get attention from. I am no exception. I pretend not to notice. I refuse to be someone's conquest.

I work in a fitness environment. I go in and out of the locker rooms all day. I see all kinds of people in there. I am a lesbian, not a pig. However some days I feel very uncomfortable in there. Not because I don't feel I fit gender wise, but because I fear people will know I am gay and assume I want them. I dealt with this in high school with friends when they found out. All of a sudden the same people that were getting dressed in front of you for years hid in the bathroom. It makes no sense but people do it. When I detect someone has accurate gaydar in the locker room, I scurry in and out making no eye contact and feeling very apologetic for making them uncomfortable.

Then you have the straight women in there that decide its fun to shower with the curtain open or talk to you while blow drying their crotch hair. I am not sure if they suspect my orientation or not, some days I think it looks obvious, other days I think no one would know even if I wanted them to. Regardless, the awkwardness of those moments is excruciating.

Then you have the women that know I'm gay and flirt with me. Can you say uncomfortable? Probably sounds strange coming from the perpetual flirt. However I use flirting as a means to connect to people, to establish friendships and most importantly boundaries. Its usually initiated by me so I feel I have control. When a woman flirts with me first (in person mind you), I become a total adolescent and duck for cover at the first possible opportunity. Maybe I just need more practice at receiving those types of advances. That must go hand and hand with compliments, something I am equally not used to and get flustered by.

So being as multifaceted as I am, and able to connect to people on so many different levels, it does make me wonder what people think of me in the moment, whatever that moment may be. I know where my head is, but do they?